Gratitude

In spirit of the Thanksgiving holiday I have seen numerous friends post daily what they are grateful for, and it got me thinking: What is gratitude? According to the dictionary it’s being appreciative or thankful for something you were given - a tangible good or kindness. But after listening to a seminar on how to worry less and enjoy life more (more on that later), I think it’s more of a psychological state of being rather than a feeling. To me, a feeling is temporary. You feel a certain emotion as a reaction to something that happened to you and then that moment passes. The feeling fades and you become engulfed in whatever else has come along and you may even forget about the item or instance that made you feel that way in the first place. Obviously, there are some feelings that are so deep they are ingrained in your brain, but those are probably associated with a major life change so they are easiest to reflect on. In these instances, they more accurately become memories than a temporary feeling.

I have a friend who tattooed “Be Present” on her wrist as a reminder to focus on what is right in front of her, and I think that’s brilliant. Those two simple words have a lot of power behind them. So, I enrolled in this seminar as a sort of virtual tattoo with the hopes of learning how to be more present in my life. Often, I find myself telling my kids “later” because I’m too consumed in other things, and I fear my lack of “being present” will make me miss out on these precious moments of their lives. I know it sounds cliché, but they really do grow so quickly and we don’t spend enough time doing silly or fun things; it’s always business as usual. I know as a parent I will have a lot of regretful moments but I don’t want spending quality time with my kids to be one of them. I also miss out on events with friends because I use my home-life as an excuse, so I forced myself to attend.

My expectation for the seminar was that it would be a simple how-to with steps to follow on ways to pay more attention, but I gained so much more. The speaker started by discussing typical things people worry about and how that worry affects their lives. Things like money, marriages, relationships, and work. Most of my worries revolve around concern for whether we are raising our kids to be kind people or how I’ll accomplish all of the items on my growing to-do list, but I figured the steps would be universal and I could just apply them to my personal life in the form I needed. But then the speaker brought up the subject of gratitude and gave a pretty powerful definition. Gratitude is paying attention to what went well. And I thought “that is an excellent way to look at it!”. Because just those small acknowledgements of what went well in your life each day train your brain to think more positively so it’s easier to be present and focus on what is right in front of you rather than contemplate things you have no control over.

*Warning: Nerd alert* By just thinking of one simple thing that went right in the day you automatically train your brain to be more optimistic. For instance, neuroscientists have discovered that people who have a more cheerful disposition and are more prone to optimism generally have higher activity occurring in their prefrontal cortex (PFC). Optimistic people tend to have better relationships, better health habits, and lead happier, richer lives than negative people. These individuals attribute bad events as transient. On the contrary, pessimistic people explain bad events as permanent conditions due to their own personal failings, and they may spend hours a day comparing themselves to others.

When the brain processes negative thoughts the coordination within the brain slows. This has been studied by observing the effects of fearful stimulus in subjects. The feeling of fear slows down cerebellum activity, which slows the ability to process new information, thereby limiting your ability to practice problem solving. The fear factor also impacts the left temporal lobe, which affects mood, memory and impulse control. As a result, your PFC decides what is important – the negative thought – because of the amount of time you spend focusing on it. Repeated negative thoughts then train your brain that those are the most important and they begin to consume your life. *End of nerd rant*

Every day we each probably have one thing that goes wrong, so it’s easy to focus on the negative. Today for example, I got the kids to school 20 minutes later than usual because of a stopped freight train that caused traffic to back up for miles. This in turn caused me to arrive at least 30 minutes later to work than I usually do. Add that to an already somber day (it was raining) and it’s a recipe for negativity. I could have chosen to let these two examples dictate the rest of my day but instead I let it roll off my back. Because there’s nothing I could have done about it. I couldn’t have changed the train schedule, or reduce the number of cars on the road. I won’t let those frustrating, adverse thoughts cloud my brain because they are powerful and consuming. Instead, I will focus on what went well: Logan got ready for school without me having to beg and plead. He got up on his own, got dressed without me asking, volunteered to brush his teeth, and did this all WITHOUT CRYING! It’s a bloody miracle. By focusing on the positive element of my day I found it easier to “roll with the punches”. Hopefully this awareness will eventually help me to become more present in the areas of my life that truly matter.

Of course, there are probably days where it’s difficult to find that one good thing, but finding just one small thing will train your brain to focus on what is important. It can even be something simple such as the sun shining or a great cup of coffee (or even that the coffee was still hot when you drank it!). So tell me, what are YOU grateful for today?

November 1 (A Day Late)

November 1. The time of year when the excitement of Halloween is over and we transition into the anticipation of the Holidays. The stores are beginning to stock their Christmas inventory way too early (if they haven’t done so already), and people will soon be a buzz with whatever controversy the Starbucks “red cup” will inflame. Years ago, I loved this time of year – the family gatherings, traditions, decorating the house. But now, it seems more like a chore, and as I ponder why, I can only think it’s due to the passing of my dad.

I’m not looking for sympathy – I know eventually everyone will lose a parent and that someone always has it worse. But I think it’s especially difficult to deal with the lose of a loved one by suicide. You miss out on any type of closure or understanding of why. You keep neatly tucked away in your mind wonderments of missed warning signs or cries for help, or even regrets for the last encounter you had. That day I didn’t only lose my dad, I lost any sense of innocence I had. Maybe that sounds naïve that a 31-year old could have still had a perception of innocence in this world, but that’s the best way I can describe it. Perhaps as you age it more shifts towards ignorance – call it what you will, but for me it was a sense of security almost. That I have a mom and a dad, and although their relationship may be strained, they are still here for me to count on despite them being together or apart. Whatever happens in my life I will be ‘ok’ because I have my family to support me.

That takes me back to my original point – the holidays. I used to embrace them with open arms and excitement. The extended time spent with aunts, uncles, cousins, and the new babies that have joined the family was something to look forward to. Not that I don’t currently look forward to that time (because I do), but it’s just not the same. The dynamic has changed. August 7, 2011 is not only the day I lost my dad, it’s the day I lost my holiday spirit. Every year I still think he’s going to walk through the doors, but he never does. The holidays are a time when you are reminded what is most important – the family time – and a time when it’s most evident who is missing. The holidays are now a time of sorrow for me. Sorrow for realizing my kids will never know their grandpa and how much he would have spoiled them (with both things and love). Sorrow for not being able to even remember the last holidays I spent with my dad. Sorrow for feeling as though he's forgotten but only remembered by me.

But I go through the motions. I put on a smile when the kids pick out the Christmas tree, I lavishly decorate the house with accessories to promote Christmas spirit (even down to our coffee mugs), and I invest many hours perfectly wrapping each gift, because I know it’s important to my kids. I wonder, though, if one of these years I will get back my Christmas spirit. When does the void of missing someone evolve into something else? Does it always remain that way and I have failed to learn how to move through it? I know that instead of dealing with the emotions I’m plugging their holes with senseless decorations and meaningless holiday trinkets, but maybe I’m also trying to start new traditions as I settle into my new normal. So much changed that year; I lost my dad and became a parent for the first time. I had too many traditions change at one time – some due to joyful reasons and others due to loss. At what point does that ‘aha’ moment finally occur?